Trashcan's Collection of OneShots
by FangsTrashcanOfDoom
Summary: Just some random one-shots that I come up with from the back of my head or what happens in real life : Mostly EdwardxNessie because I've been told that I'm good at that. Ratings vary but mostly K
1. You're Grounded!

**Okay, so I'm gonna start on some radom one-shots. Mostly EdwardxNessie because some of my lurvley reviewers have asked for it!! :) Also a gigungo apology for not writing so much for a long time. I'm on my mom's laptop right now cuz the computer wont turn on =( **

**Mmmkay. **

**Title: You're Grounded!!  
****Rated: K+  
****Summery: During school one day, Nessie grounds Edward for being late to class :) Just some cute fluffyness. Like marshmellows!!**

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****A/N - My band director thinks Edward is a marshmello peep. Just FYI**

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**Edward's POV

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I was walking down the hallway getting frustrated with the people walking slowly in front of me. I sighed and resisted the temptation to shove them and sprint to my science class with Mr. B.

I finally was about two feet away from the classroom when the bell rang. I groaned and walked into class. I sat down next to Renesmee; now old enough to go to school and grow without it seeming suspicious.

"You're late," she whispered.

"Yeah, I know," I whispered back.

I sat and listened to Mr. B's lecture about how wind is formed when I got a note thrown at my head. I looked up from my noted and turned my head, confused.

Nessie was grinning at me and nodded her head at the note she apperanly chucked at my head.

I looked down and unfolded the square silently. I almost laughed out loud when I read it.

_Dearest Edward/Father,_

_You may have been late by about three seconds but you still missed the bell!! You bad old man :P_

_YOU'RE GROUNDED!!  
_

_Love, _

_Nessie :)_

I pressed my lips together and looked over at her. She grinned again and went back to writing her notes. I folded the paper and stuck it in my back pocket as a reminder to talk about this.

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_Laaaaaaaattttteeeerrrrrr_

The final bell rang and I sat up and put my chair up on my desk. Renesmee came over and poked my arm and said, "You're grounded, mister" and then held her finger and said, "Ow! Now you're grounded for longer!"

"I didn't do anything!" I protested.

"You hurt me!"

"That was your fault! I shouldn't be grounded for something you -- wait. Why are we even arguing about this? You can't ground me," I said, rolling my eyes.

"No, but Carlisle can. And I'm gonna find him first and he's gonna ground you!"

"Not if I find him first!" I teased and ran out the door. Renesmee laughed as she chased after me.

We ran down the empty hallways....

...Until I ran into the principal.

"Mr. Cullen and Ms. Cullen I would like you to refrain from running in my hallways, even if school is over," he mumbled.

I grinned. "Sorry," I said and walked past him. "I'm still gonna find Carlisle first," I whispered as Nessie cracked up laughing.

"Oh, yeah? Well, you're still grounded. Oh, what now."

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Yeah, I don't know. Just something random I came up with. Probably not very good. Eh, oh well. I'll try to get another up tonight or tomorrow, considering how lazy I'm being :)

**~Trashcan**


	2. For Shame, Edward Cullen

**Yay!! My second one tonight!! I'm so pround of myself! :) I'm on a role!**

**Title: For Shame, Edward Cullen  
****Rated: K+  
****Summery: Ehh, just another random EdwardxNessie fluff. Has no point whatsoever. Esme's a bit ooc**

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**Quote: Ohmigod!! It's Carlisle wearing tights...and tights...and OH MY GOD POINTY SHOES!! (me during New Moon.)**

**Also...**

**(Bella) I'm coming!! (Edward) No, I don't want you to come. **

**(Only me and Sami can think of a way to crack up laughing in the middle of the saddest part of the whole damn movie...)**

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Esme's POV

I have to say, I think I just might spontaneously combust. Just from happiness alone.

Edward is happy after many, many, years, and he has what none of us has.

He has a daughter.

Nessie was about four by the looks of her, and she and Edward had gotten closer than ever. As much as Edward wanted to be with Bella at every moment, he still had Renesmee to take care of.

Let me explain.

After Bella had gotten used to the vampire-out-in-public thing, she had to hunt _way _more, leaving Edward with Renesmee.

Hence, the bonding was born.

As of right now, Renesmee was forcing Edward to watch Spongebob.

Poor, poor Edward.

Poor, poor me; I was sitting here watching it with them. Renesmee's head was lying on Edward's lap as he stroked her hair away from her face. I have to say the Edward was an excellent father. He has all the right qualities: compassion, a loving nature, and also a protective nature.

I feel terrible for the boys who will most likely get hurt because of their thoughts or actions towards Renesmee.

Nessie suddenly looked up at her father and said, "Do you know how a unicorn sounds?"

Edward looked down blankly and asked, "Uh, like a horse?"

Good try, Edward.

"No, Daddy. They go 'lolololololololololol pshhhh'," Nessie said very matter-of-factly.

"Oh, silly me," he said sarcasticly. "I can't believe I didn't know that."

Renesmee laughed like wind chimes. "I can't either, Daddy."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Any other random facts for me?" He asked.

Renesmee pursed her lips. "Mmm, no. Not that I can think of."

"Okay, then," he murmured and pressed his lips to her forehead as she focused on the TV once again. He continued to keep his lips at her forehead as she watched her show.

The show ended and Nessie looked up. "Let's have a pop quiz!!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"About the show?" He asked.

"No. Okay, how does a unicorn sound?"

Edward sighed. "'Lolololol psh'," he said unenthusiastically.

Renesmee sighed. "That was horrible," she said.

"Yes," I said. "For shame, Edward Cullen."

He grinned at me as Renesmee was giving him unicorn lessons. After a while he finally got it somewhat right.

"Edward?" I asked.

"Yes?"

"You would make a horrible unicorn," I muttered and he laughed.

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**Oh, poor Edward. He'll never get the joy of being a unicorn :( Oh, well. **

**Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!**


	3. GROUNDED!

**First off, I want to apologize for not really writing for a while. I've been busy being a fatty over Christmas break =P. I also apologize that this isn't a Christmas story because it is, in fact, Christmas Day! So, Merry Christmas, everyone!**

**Okay, so I was watching iCarly and I saw the best part ever that I watched over and over and over and over again because it was soooo funny. So, here's all the info you need:**

**Title: GROUNDED!**

**Summery: When Edward comes home from the store, he catches an apprentice he took in to teach piano kissing Renesmee. He reacts suddenly, going on a rant and kicking him out of his apartment, making he and Renesmee fight. **

**Rated: K [plus]**

**Genre: Humor/Family/Humor/Did I mention Humor?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and I don't really own this plot I just thought it was extremely funny.**

**PAGEBREAK!!**

Third Person!

**PAGEBREAK!!**

For a while, Edward, Bella, and Renesmee had been living by themselves, in an apartment just outside of the town the rest of the Cullens were staying. It had just been typical for them, Edward and Renesmee twins and Bella just a girlfriend of Edward's who moved in not long ago.

A lot of people would describe Edward as overprotective and old-fashioned; he is especially overprotective of the two women in his life: Bella and Renesmee.

So you can imagine how…angered he was when he came home finding his only daughter kissing his piano apprentice.

Edward had first taught his apprentice -- Drew -- a year ago after he took Edward's motorcycle for a joyride. Nessie usually found him obnoxious and immature. Well, until now, of course.

Bella had left the two of them to go hunting with Emmett after Edward insisted constantly because her eyes were black as coal, leaving Edward to do the thing every man loves to do. Go grocery shopping.

So, of course, something had to go wrong.

"Uh, yeah, this is it, please," Edward muttered, taking out his debit card.

"Do you want some, like, doughnuts?" The cashier asked.

"No, thanks."

"Are you sure?"

Edward looked up, annoyed. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Are you positive? 'Cause I heard they're _really_ good!"

"Oh, my God. I'll take a dozen," he muttered, annoyed.

"Okay," the guy said, smiling. "That'll take an hour."

Edward hung his head in annoyance and growled. "Frick."

PAGEBREAK

_At Edward's house…._

Renesmee and Drew were kissing. _Kissing! _

_Oh, my God, my dad'll kill me, _she thought for just a moment, until they moved to the couch. _Eh. Who cares?_

Edward walked down the hallway, grumbling at the frustrating grocery store. He stopped at the front door where music was coming from inside. He pursed his lips and nodded in somewhat approval, stuck the key in the lock and walked in.

The first thing he noticed was that the lights were off. He cocked an eyebrow and flipped the switch by the door. Edward turned his head slightly, getting a glorious view of his only daughter and his _student _biting each other's faces off on the couch.

"!"

Renesmee stood up quickly, staring at her father, wondering what in God's name he was doing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Her mouth was open, gaping at him; she looked at him and Drew and back again.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ah," he muttered weakly.

Drew looked at him and then looked at Nessie. Edward walked over into the kitchen and set the bag down carefully, still holding the plastic bag of doughnuts. "So, let's recap," he said weakly. "You go and _steal _my motorcycle, and so I let you in and teach you all I know. And _then, _I leave for and wait _one hour _for doughnuts I didn't even _want." _He flaunted the bad in Drew's face._ "_And then I come home to you chewing on my d - sister's face!"

"We were kissing…," Drew said slowly.

"GUILTY!" Edward exclaimed. Drew sighed dramatically.

Renesmee decided to speak up. "_I _kissed _him_!"

Edward quickly stood up straight and whipped around. His jaw clenched and he just mouthed, _what? _and turned around angrily to face Drew again. "Out!"

"What?" Drew asked, unbelieving.

"I'll talk to you later!" Edward picked up Drew's shirt and showed him to the door.

Drew turned around before going out into the hall. "I'll call you," he said to Renesmee.

"Okay," she said weakly.

"YOU WONT CALL ANYONE!"

Edward came inside and eyed the bag of doughnuts.

"W-what are you--?"

Edward raced outside and chucked a doughnut at Drew. "OW!"

Edward turned and came back into the house with a started Nessie in the living room.

"I don't underst-- w-why would-- when did--," He stuttered. Edward took a deep breath to calm down. "When I left here," he started, "you _hated _his guts and I come back and you're --" he stuck out his tongue. "MMM! What happened?!"

"Well, me and Jacob were here studying and Drew kept turning up the music and Jacob got mad and left and then I was yelling at Drew about how obnoxious he was and how immature. And then I realized how _super cute _he was and I realized his lips were right here and I kissed him!"

This is the face Edward made at the remark: O.O

This is the face Nessie made back at him: O.o

"And I don't kiss like this --" she did the same thing Edward did "--I kiss like a princess, thank you very much!"

He was at a loss for words. "You are grounded…for…till college."

"For till _college?!"_

"FOR TILL COLLEGE!"

"Why?!"

"For kissing that delinquent!"

"This is unfair! I'm almost fifteen! How old were you when you started kissing girls?" Renesmee demanded.

"I was…you know that's not even the point!" They walked into the kitchen.

"The point is that you're totally overreacting!" Nessie argued.

"That doesn't matter 'cause you're still grounded," Edward said, crossing his hands over his chest.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

Renesmee looked around the room and saw the mallet he had used to smash some big metal thing for school or decoration or anger issues or something. She picked up the mallet and brought it down hard on the box.

Edward gaped at her and picked up the other mallet, hitting the metal too.

Renesmee turned too suddenly and the mallet went straight through the wall.

Edward stared at the wall with his mouth formed in an 'o' and turned slowly. He threw the mallet at the wall and it went through too. "Ha!" he exclaimed. Renesmee groaned and went upstairs to wallow in misery.

PAGEBREAK

**So, like all of my other oneshots, this one is totally useless and pointless and pretty stupid. It didn't go how I thought (and just so you know I just spelled "go" wrong. Thank God for spellcheck, eh?) and the plus side is that it isn't exactly like the scene! Yay!! So, review and I'll love you forever and you'll get a yummy Devil's Food Cake!! With yummy icing! So review!  
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